OzarkPreacher wrote: We,having 5 children, have dealt with this issue a few times.
We let them stay the first 30 days free. IF they are doing what is needed to get on their feet then we continue to do so provided they are continuing to do as expected on their end. This is not an endless arrangement however and the time frame is agreed upon in advance as to what they expect their needs will be. IF however the said child in need is not adherent to the terms agreed upon rent is charged retroactive to the date of arrival. If rent is then not paid they are invited to vacate and find other living arrangements that will not harm or otherwise damage our relationship with them as parents. If there is a grandchild involved we always make it clear that the child is not held responsible for the behavior of the parent is is welcome to stay as long as needed.
Of all the times we have housed one of our adult children the occasion to make them pay up has only happened once. And I might add that once a child makes us come to the place that we have to question their intentions they don't get the privilege of doing it again.
Everyone at some time in their life may need a boost. We don't mind to provide the boost when needed but we won't become their source of enablement either. It is a fine line that each family must determine individually and decide what will work for them. We have always told our children that one day we will not be here for them to lean on and they must for their own good and the good of their families determine that they will stand independent of our help. Thankfully it has been a good while since we have had to help and our children all at this point seem to be in good shape.
Hope and pray all works out well for the OP. I know it can be frustrating to deal with. A child has no idea how hard it is for a parent to say "no".
No, NO, NO, you are doing him no favors by letting him no pay his way. My 26 year old son just moved out yesterday, and although I will miss him, I'm glad he is now gone.
He was suppose to pay $200 a month and help with groceries. We were lucky if we got $100, and he bought groceries when he felt like it, then complained when there was nothing in the cupboards that he wanted to eat was trying to let him pay off his bills. Instead, he blew his checks flying to ID to see the girlfriend. He moved there to be with her. He was making decent money to.
You are not being a bad parent telling him to move out, you are being a bad parent by not forcing him to be an adult and take care of himself and his wife. Just like I was with my son, by not forcing the issue. Now he is gone, and my bills are higher than they would be if he hadn't been here to eat the food, and leave the lights on.
Stiffen that back bone and let him go, he will get over his mad eventually and realize you did what you did for his own good.
You certainly are not being a bad parent. He works, he should pay rent. He/they would be paying a heck of a lot more if they had an apartment - and were saving for a house.
Stick to your guns.
Pat
May the road rise with you, the wind be always at your back.
Me, an understanding and extremely tolerant wife and an Austrailian Shepard that runs things.
'02 Beaver Patriot Thunder with a 455 CAT (Doghaus)
'02 Jeep Grand Cherokee (3 Dog)
We're empty nesters so that leaves two adult children under our roof.
TV: Mint 1972 Ford F-250 XLT
TT: 1969 19' Excel; entertains 6, feeds 4, sleeps 2 You don't shoot to kill, you shoot to stay alive.
I don't carry because I have to, I carry because I get to. My pictures
Our youngest son has never left. He is 27 but he has always worked, always helped around the house and is a pleasure to have around. He doesn't make enough to be on his own although he does save some money for a rainy day. He is respectful, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink and my husband and I enjoy having him around. He was always a little behind the other kids and didn't graduate until he was 21 so I guess he is a special case but the doctors always told us that he is not retarded, brain damaged or anything else. He learns, he just learns in a different sometimes slower way than some.
He is now a mechanic at a dealership and has been doing this for over 5 years, he never calls in sick, often forgets to take a vacation, and everyone seems to love him.
Sometimes, it isn't a bad thing. We are family and we do what we can for our own. Some need to be pushed out of the nest, others need to stay close until their wings are truly developed and ready.
"Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." -Robert Frost
I think operative line is "when you have to go there". A lot of terrible things can happen. . . and you know where "home" is during these crises. Rent, length of stay, conditions of stay. . . all of these are variables based on the unique conditions of each case.
This will work both ways. I watched an episode of "Little House on the Prairie" last night and two older gentlemen were talking. . . they were wondering if their kids would take care of them as they aged. One man said, "We have a saying where I am from, 'One father can take care of ten children. Ten children can take care of one father.'"
Hopefully our kids charge us reasonable rent when we need their care!
(This is all different from an irresponsible or lazy kid who needs to grow up and learn responsibility. . . or a kid who is taking advantage of a situation and people.)
2005 Chevrolet Silverado 2500HD Crew Cab SB LS 6.0L 4x4 4.10
DW, DD (born in May, 2007), and me
My stepdaughter, 25, is moving in with her 8 y.o. twins at the end of the month. My wife made this deal with her - she will pay $300/mo for food, utilities, rent, etc.. She is doing this for 6 months so she can save up to buy her own house.
Of course, $300 will barely cover the groceries. My problem is living with children/grandchildren again since it's been 7 years for us as empty-nesters. It will be a HUGE adjustment for us. Esp. me since my wife and her are extremely close.
I don't have any adult children living with me (DW and I don't have any childern) But let me tell you were adult children living at home without "growing UP" can lead to...
My DWs brother (38) and sister (24) lived with their Mom. Never paid a dime for food or rent or utilitys.
Mom became ill (altizmers..sorry I am sure I blew the spelling on that one) and brother and sister did nothing but take advantage of her. Along with other things (to many to list)Brother used her credit cards and sister had her co-sign for new truck and snomobiles that sister could not aford.
We live close by...same block....and saw what was going on. We had to have Mother declaired leagly incapasitated as brother and sister did not want the gravy train to end....this alone tore my DW up inside..After some legal battles my wife was declaired legal gaurdian/conservator. Once this happened sister acuses brother of assault....(they had been strugling for controll of the house ever since mother got sick)....and had him arrested. Then sister moved out without telling DW anything once brother came back home and we never here from her again.
Then mother gets worse...even though we live on the same block it gets to hard to care for her in her own home so we move her in with us because brother can't help (IE will not help) with Mom because he has to work and needs his sleep and recreation on the weekends. Now mind you all this time Mom's money has been paying for their roof. Oh I forgot to tell you he moved his girl friend in with him. She could not help either.
DW finaly puts her foot down...admitily with my help.... and tells brother since Mother no longer lives there he has to pay the bills if he wants to stay there. Shortly after that he takes everything (even things that are not his) out of the house and moves away without telling DW anything. And we don't here from him any more.
This had transpired over a period of 7 years. When Mother passes they show up and complain about how we cared for Mother. (acording to them we did a terible job even though they never came to see her for 7 years) They both want their share of the Inheritance.
Long legal battles.....no one realy wins....and over 10 years now since the start of this and the rest of the DW's family still thinks DW was wrong to tell the dead beats to pay their own way.
I have to remind her that the right thing is not always the easy thing to do,
and if they ever truly "grow up" they might thank her for giving them the boot when they needed it most.
I don't think they ever will.
So please teach your child to "grow up" now. It may be hard on you (the parrent) but think about how much harder it will be for some else to do it later if you can't.
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