I'm so freakin' ticked off at my dad, that I can hardly see straight. I was at Mom's house yesterday with Greg and the girls to do a bunch of yard work. Greg and the girls weeded dad's garden (no small task), and I took mom on errands in town, as she's still not driving yet.
After listening to all the******on the news about Michael Jackson, I'm just totally disgusted. The kind of person that should be idolized is someone who spends his life (or at least a good portion of it), serving his community. I know you all know that I'm talking about my dad. He truly gave to his community by putting his life on the line not only in the service in the 1950's, but also for the 29 years he served as a Police Officer. HE is the kind of person that should be mourned the world over!
Now, all that being said, I'm ticked at him for being gone! Damnit . . . he took the easy way out! Mom is having a very difficult time and is very lonely and doesn't know what to do, after being with him for almost 52 years (Monday, June 29, 2009, would have been their 52nd wedding anniversary). I just don't know how to help her! She needs him, and frankly, so do I and so do my kids! Every time I go into my dad's workroom, I hope to find a letter that he started to write to Aaron, before he even left for Basic Training. Unfortunately, I've not found anything. I know dad didn't want to die, but damnit, I don't care! He DID die, and now it's left to us to pick up the pieces and try to figure out how the hell to live without him and try to help mom to live without him. How the hell are we supposed to do that?
So many projects that he started that will never be finished . . .
So many smiles that will never be shared . . .
So much advice that will never be given . . .
So many walleyes that will never be caught . . .
So many letters that will never be written . . .
So many stories that we'll never hear . . .
So many times I've wanted to call him over this last month . . .
So much pain we've been left to deal with . . .
I know many of you have been through this, so I'm hoping you can offer some help. How can I help my mother get through this? How do I get through this?
* This post was
edited 06/26/09 09:47pm by Mrs. Mik *
But so many fond memories.
I know how you feel. Both my mom and dad are gone and when I have a question about family history, relatives or such, there is no one to call.
Just after my mother passed, I would call her old phone number just for the heck of it.
My dad died 4 months before the '84 Olympics, here in Los angeles. He missed my sister wining a Bronze Medal and my wedding two weeks later.
My children will never know what a wondeful grand dad he would have been.
"Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill, but since we're on our way down, we might as well enjoy the ride". ("The Secret Of Life", James Taylor).
You're going thru a VERY normal grieving process. ALLOW yourself to grieve.
Julie, I know what you mean about the Michael Jackson stuff. Three months to the day after my DH died, 9/11 happened. I'm not taking anything from the poor people that died in the incident - nor their families -- but my DH was a Viet Nam vet - 2 tours -- and a corrections officer all his working career (some of his time was in San Quinton).....No special honors for him. It made me think of the people that have died in a war. I'm sorry, but the people who went to work in the towers..........well, you know what I mean.
Give yourself more time....can you afford to have someone come in to do the yard work? Ask your mother what she wants as far as Monday/anniversary. My mother wanted to be alone, I wanted my kids/grandkids around. We each grieve in our own time and in our own way. I once had a minister tell me that we grieve because we miss them, we cry because we miss them. It's our own selfishness. They ARE in a better place but we want them here with us.
Your father sounds like a special person. Remember the good times, picture him doing what he loved doing best. (maybe a garden in heaven?)
Bless you and your family -- we're thinking of you and praying.
"I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose"
Dee & Bob
1990 Fleetwood 5er
2 cats - Donner and Dasher
12 grandkids
Sorry to hear about your father--I want you to know that I appreciate any man that carries the badge--I did that for a few years and it is a tough and underappreciated job but there are those of us out here that honor him for his service--certainly more than a celebrity that hopefully never was role model for anyone.
As a father of three adult daughters, I don't know what to tell you about all the "undone" things that are on my schedule--we Dad's aren't lazy, just busy and when you have lovely daughter(s), who's love you know is always there, you feel like you will live forever. Excuse Dads when they leave too soon--we would rather stay but aren't always given choices.
But be assured, everyday of our lives we remember our daughters, as the wonderful women they have become and as the little girls that warmed our hearts, that toddled into our arms, squealing and laughing, making us play with dolls, listen to chatter about squirrels and kittens, that made us watch endless Disney fairy tales, that gave life more meaning than they could ever imagine.
I sure wouldn't want my daughters pouting cause I had to go, especially when so much of my living moments involved such wonderful memories of my "little girls", princesses that always stay locked in my mind and emotions as very special treasures. I would hope that they will see that what I left undone is minor compared to all those hugs and kisses, all that caring, all those "atta girls" I gave for all those years. I want them to remember and understand that I will never be really gone--every hug, every kiss is as rich as the one before.
If you are as special to your Dad as my daughters are to me--you will never really be alone--you will have a big old angel on your shoulder forever. Look around, you'll see him.
See!
Peace.
Been there. Dad died in 2004, a few months after their 57th anniversary. All I could do was to be there for my mom, but I couldn't help her though it. She had a relationship with him that was completely separate from all us kids. She had never lived alone her entire life, and now it was just her and Dad's cat. Little Bit's presence probably did a lot more for Mom than anything we could have done, since that little cat was so very special to Dad. Although Mom still admits to loneliness at times, she's decided living alone is kinda neat. Little Bit died in February, and that was a step backwards, since she was the last living connection to Dad (not counting the kids, none of whom live nearby).
The passage of time does make it easier, Julie. But for now, your mom and you still need to grieve.
And anytime you need to vent, we're here for you. We have big shoulders and all the towels you'll need.
"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated." -- Mahatma Gandhi
Mrs. Mik wrote: I know many of you have been through this, so I'm hoping you can offer some help. How can I help my mother get through this? How do I get through this?
I don't know if I can offer advise or not--this is just how we dealt with the issue.
My wife lost both of her parents to cancer and diabetes in the span of 5 months. My mother in turn died of emphysema 8 months later--that was 3 parents in 13 months--fairly life changing.
Upfront, all of their deaths were completly avoidable with common sense diets, treatment, exercise, and routine visits to a doctor. My wife and I looked at our daughters and refocused our lives for them. We go to the gym regularly together (she has lost over 80 lbs and now runs 3+ miles daily), shut off TV (no cable, no satellite, only DVDs that we want) and do a lot of RVing.
I got a chance at graduate school, and we took it. Sold the house, put everything in storage and bought our signature rig and have been fulltimeing it for the last two years. We have visited 32 separate parks in the last two years. We are relooking the world through our kids eyes and doing it as a family--together.
Now we are in the process of building a retirement home and I am specifically putting in a room for my father (our only remaining parent). He is NOT invalid and is quite capable of taking care of himself. I am simply giving him a choice--he can live his life the way he wants too or he can be part of ours.
He has chosen to come with us. Tomorrow he is meeting me here in NC and we will fly back to Monterey together and he will come with us on a 30 trip as we explore the west as move back east. My kids are looking forward to this and so is he.
I am trying to put an anchor in this world to encourage him to stay focused, alert, and needed. I want him to know he is needed and not a burden, but a joy to have around. My other siblings are doing similar things by redoing a spare room for him or building a bedroom on the existing house.
I occasionally get angry at when I think of the WASTE my Mom and my DW's parents did by not taking care of themselves, but I choose to instead focus my thoughts on stories I tell my kids about the positive impacts they have had on my life.
There is a quote that I like, “If you look for the bad in people expecting to find it, you surely will.” The corollary to that is "If you look for the worst in a situation, you will surely find it."
So I look for the best in the situation--my wife and I are healthier, more engaged in our kids, more focused on each other, and happier because we CHOOSE to be. I will not let despair, darkness, and depression control me--I will control my own life--I will shape the events around me with the most important things around me--my family.
2006 Ford F350 CC PSD DRW
2007 Cedar Creek 362BTS
GreenSalsa is a married Army Special Forces family stationed at Fort Bragg, NC
Registered on ProfessionalSoldiers.com and Socnetcentral.com
I wish I could help take away your pain. May I suggest some kind of greif counsiling. There are those out there who can help you through it. Anger is one of the steps in the greiving process i've been told, allow yourself the time to greive for your loss, and reach for help if you need it.
Mrs Mik, I lost my dad 3 years ago and one year later my husband left for work one day, had a heart attack on the side of the road and I never saw him again. He died on the job driving a truck out of state.
Mom was married over 60 years and has learned to do most things herself. We all help her out with the things she just can't do, but she is lonely. Someone gave her a book on grief and how to cope with losing your spouse. She's read it several times and has taken much of the advice. The booklet is free to AARP members and is highly recommended by my mom.
I was happily married for 32 years and my kids were a big help in getting through the initial loss. However, I took a more positive look at my situation. Since I can't go back, I have to go forward. I decided that I had to start over and make a new life for myself. Either that or sit back and wait to die with him.
So....I met a new man who lost his wife just 2 weeks before I lost my husband. We just got married a few months ago and are planning to fulltime rv when we retire in 2 more years. This is something I never dreamed of doing but it is pretty exciting. I still miss my late husband everyday, but things are working out and I am starting a new chapter of my life.
Whatever road your mom chooses, be there for her. She will need your support no matter what she decides. The grief never goes away, you just learn to live with it. My thoughts and prayers are with you at this very difficult time.
I'm in my own little world, but it's all right they know me here.
Offline
