An oldie, but goodie!
There once was a man named Paul. He was very quiet and nice and never yelled or sweared.
He had a bird named Steve. Steve was very rude. He was always burping, yelling, or cursing.
One day, Paul just had enough of Steve's nonsense. So he grabbed steve by the neck and threw him in the freezer. Paul could hear the sound of Steve kicking and screaming and cussing through the freezer door. All of a sudden, the noise stopped.
Paul thought that he hurt the bird, so he went over to his fridge and opened up his feezer. Steve hopped out onto Paul's shoulder, and looked him in the eyes.
"I am so very sorry for my terrible behavior. You are very kind to take care of me, and if you could find it in you heart to forgive me, I would appreciate it very much," Steve said.
"It's okay, Steve. I am sorry for doing that to you," said Paul.
"No harm done," Steve said.
Steve looked back at the freezer for a moment. "By the way, what did the Turkey do?"
Irony
Irony
I bet I could quit gambling
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
It's not my fault I don’t take responsibility for my actions
As I said before, I’ll only say this once.
This statement is false.
Don't you hate rhetorical questions?
God, I want patience, and I WANT IT NOW!
Sorry, I forgot all about the Amnesia Conference!
The creation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
I can resist everything except temptation.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Never believe generalisations.
Avoid alliterations always.
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now
Thank God I'm an atheist.
Just say NO to negativity
Two Brazilian Men
Two Brazilian Men
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says,
"Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."
The blonde starts crying and says to her husband while sobbing
"That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused the husband replies "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"... So how many is a Brazilian?"
Talking Clock
Newfie was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.
He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.
'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the Newfie replied.
'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.
'Yup' replied the Newfie.
'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.
'Watch' the Newfie replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You Jerk! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
His best friend
A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
Happy Day
Groom Doom!
"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," the groom protested.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's what I mean."
Word processing program, free or shareware
Can anyone recomend a decent shareware or free word precessing program? I bought a cheap laptop and it didn't come with any. I don't want to go buy Office or something and spend more for the program than I spent for the laptop. Hopefully one with spell check now that I look at what I wrote.
Difference Between Men and Women
Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
Signs You're in America
Signs You're in America
-- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
-- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.
The Manager
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,"I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: always let your boss have the first say.
Impossible Things To Say when Drunk
Impossible Things To Say when Drunk
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. Specificity 2. Anti-constitutionalistically 3. Passive-aggressive disorder 4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK: 1. No thanks, I'm married. 2. Nope, no more booze for me! 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry. 5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight? 6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke. 7. I'm not interested in fighting you. 8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool! 9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road. 10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
another blonde joke
A blonde said, 'I was worried that my Mechanic might try to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'
Blonde In The Snowstorm
Blonde In The Snowstorm
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero, when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to the parking lot and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her snowy situation. She then remembered her daddy's advice that if she ever got caught in a blizzard, she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough, in a little while, a snowplow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snowplow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signalled for her to roll down her window.
The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right, as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was okay with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Home Depot next.
for Lovers Of Words
Lovers Of Words
HUMOUR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
The Middle Wife
The Middle Wife
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is
Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my
camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like
the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop!
My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her
legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along
