This may not be the place to ask suck a question but due to the lack of anyone to turn to I will take what I can get, if anything.
Both myself and my wife have always smoked during our marriage of almost 22 years. Recently my DW was in the hospital towards the beginning of this year for a bad case of pneumonia. It was so bad that neither myself or her doctor thought she would survive. Between the pneumonia and having two collapsed lungs in the past her lungs are in bad shape. As a result she was given the choice of being on lots of breathing drugs and using a nebulizer three times a day for the rest of her life or quit smoking. She wisely chose to stop smoking and I have done everything short of stopping myself to support her in this. Including not smoking in my own house which is irritating to me to say the least.
She hasn't been perfectly successful which has lead to deceit and for the first time ever lies between us. Now that she doesn't smoke it seems we do nothing but fight constantly. I can't say two words to her without her getting upset no matter what the subject. After a few of the fight almost resulted in the fight becoming physical she went to the doctor and got medication for her nerves. He put her on Lexapro for her nerves and anxiety but even with the medication, that she has been on for two weeks, we still can not talk to each other without her getting highly agitated.
I can only imagine how hard it is for her but I am beginning to think that this is going to cause our marriage to collapse. This has been going on for 7 months now and I love her dearly but I don't think I can take much more of the fighting and arguing all the time.
Side note: Yes I do plan on following her and stopping myself but don't think it a good idea at this time because if I become anything like she has we would definitely kill each other.
I'm aware that some will choose to make wise cracks and comments in poor taste but I'm hoping a few will take the time to answer with all honesty, especially if they know something from experience and give me hope.
Can anyone tell me if life will ever return to normal without her starting to smoke again? Or are we doomed?
.....well, a few opinions. Perhaps some counseling, if you both want to keep the marriage, maybe even if you don't. Outside professional help may help understand better the many dynamics in play in your lives. For better or worse, smoking is a habit that damages health, so you might think about stopping sooner rather than later. In almost every relationship there will be occasionl disruptions, storms, and hard times. Best of luck, prayers for you both....
Mandrake
he ain't heavy..........he's my brother....
Okay, here is a wisecrack..... I can't believe that 2 people who have loved each other for over 22 years would even consider ending their marriage over smoking. Sorry, but that's how I feel about that.
Now for the positive.... You are doing good by trying to help her in any way you can. I know my mom has tried to stop smoking many time and she becomes a total female dog to say the least. She has never been able to quit, she just gets too mean toward everyone. She still smokes today and we all hate the fact that she does.
I don't know exactly what would help your wife because so many people struggle with the effects while stopping smoking. I hate to say it but I think it's just going to take more on your part. Maybe try getting out of the house more by yourself. Try to leave her alone as much as possible. Maybe in time, maybe she will get used to not smoking and her attitude will just sort of fall back into being a little more normal.
Another idea would be to see a different doctor and get a 2nd opinion or at lest some more advise. I not much of a fan of mind altering drugs but maybe there is something else they can give here to help with her nerves.
And if all else fails, maybe see a counselor. I don't believe in them but many people seem to get help with their programs.
Whatever you do, don't try & quit smoking yourself. As you said, it could only make it worse. What you have to do is become a non-smoker!
Isn't that the same thing? No, it's completely different. It's what I did over 20 years ago, I didn't read it in a book, made it up myself.
So what are the differences? When you 'quit' smoking, it's in the back of your mind "I wonder how long I can go for", when you become a non smoker, you don't think that, you simply don't smoke, never have. Why would someone of your age, 38, 43, 51, start smoking.
When you quit smoking , you have withdrawal pains. Non smokers don't have these, but they may suffer the discomfort of a cold or flu, or the equivalent. The discomfort that you feel after becoming a non smoker MUST be attributed to something like this, like a bad bout of the flu, it will pass but it may take longer.
Smoke 'quitters' think that if they have the odd one or even a drag, it won't hurt and in any event they have at least 'really cut down'. Non smokers, again like starting smoking at a late age, don't do this.
Quitters chew gum or toothpicks or take up knitting to take their minds of quitting smoking. Actually it's not quitting smoking they're thinking of, what they are thinking about is whether to have one or not, at least I've gone longer than the last time, or I've really cut down. Non smokers don't do any of these things. Do you see 59 year old, non smoking guys start knitting to take their minds off starting smoking?
If one of you has to become a non smoker, then both of you do. No ifs ands or buts.
It is going to take both of you to make it through this. If you need some help, get it! Join a group, I beleive there are now groups out there for smoking just like for drugs or alcohol. It is nothing to be ashamed of. For now, don't try quiting or stopping yourself, that will have to come later. This is going to be a long multi step process and you are going to have to do it one step at a time. Learn to talk, not yell and fight, which is easier said then done, you have been married for 22 years so you have good footing, don't let is slip away, her doctor should be able to help more if asked.
I gave up smoking cigs over 26 years ago, wasn't easy but got it done. I smoke a cigar and a pipe once in awhile, yet can go for months at a time without either. Find myself still reaching into my pocket on long trips for a smoke.
Be deligent and understanding, that is for both of you. Your wife is probably more frightened then anybody knows. Tell her you wan't to talk about it, not fight about it. Good luck and best wishes.
Happy Trails. Tip.
Tip & Darcy
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My wife and I went through the same thing when I stopped smoking. My doctor put me on nerve medication and it helped. Maybe your wife needs a different medication. A help group would probably help both of you also. The suggestions for counseling are good also.
I don't understand the deceit and lies. If ever there was a time for openness and truthfulness in your relationship it is now.
The best time to stop smoking is now. Waiting for a better time which may never come will do neither of you any good. Stopping smoking is one of the hardest things you will ever do but with proper preparation, support and possibly medication, you can do it.
Happy campin'
Mitch
Wife, daughter, son, a new son (son- in- law) and two campin' dogs.
Not knowing you or all the details, I may be wrong but your still smoking could be at least a part of the problem. Has she asked you to quit? How would you feel if the situation were reversed. To tell the truth I'm surprised you haven't quit yet. It would be a great way to show her you support her in her effort to quit. In your situation I would have quit, and we did both my wife and I quit after 20+ years.
I wish you both well,
Bill
Bill, Marilyn, Freckles (Mini Chocolate Dapple Dachshund), Tinker Belle (Toy Yorkie), and Lil' Girl (Cat).
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!
It's not about throwing it all away over smoking. It's about the constant fighting and arguing. We have fought more since the first of October than we have in our entire marriage. It's good morning.. fight, hello.. fight, I'm doing laundry do you have anything you need washed.. fight. It's argue, argue, argue, fight fight fight.. every day, seven days a week. If I stay around.. fight... if I leave her alone.. another fight.. because I'm not spending any time with her. She's like a person going through drug addition withdrawal and menopause at the same time.
This is not meant to be a wise crack in any way. I think it would be very hard on her with you still smoking. She is probably feeling everything from anger to jealousy knowing that you still have the freedom of smoking!
Wow.. I used that word too loosely, freedom, because that certainly isn't what smoking gives you. You are bound to it, oh gosh, I'm sorry ... you know that already!
I think you do need to quit with her and this is a voice of experience. Frank & I quit together in 1981 and our marriage survived it. I think when you look at even that ... as a partnership it will help you through it. You can be there for each other.
There are many tips to help make the adjustment once you have decided to do it!
Many here ATC have taken the plunge .. we'll help you anytime you want, right gang!?
Linda
Frank & Linda
04 Cedar Creek FW, 30CKTS/Trailair
04 Chevy 3/4t HD, cc, 8.1/Allison
Pullrite 16k Superglide
It is smoking and smoking period that is causing the fighting...think about it...you both have smoked for years...smoking (to a smoker) is very pleasurable and satisfying.
picture this...wife forced by health issues to quit smoking..one very difficult thing to do...
you try to help by not smoking in the house...it pisses you off that you cannot light up at any time without going outside.
You go outside and smoke...without realizing, you come back in smelling to her like a wonderful cigarette...that alone pisses her off...to be reminded of the pleasure you are enjoying and she is missing.
1 pissed off man + 1 pissed off woman = fight
you need to quit smoking and you both go through this together...it is not and will not be easy...it needs to be done to bring back the peace.
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