To answer a few of the questions: I am 46 and she is 45. I have heard that those who's hair goes gray at an early age can be an indicator of those who will go menopausal at an early age. She began going gray at an early age and her hair is totally gray now. She has always had issues with her cycles which have been getting more frequent and she has gotten older. At her last doctors appointment her doctor also set her up for another full battery of hormone test to see if anything has changed. Unfortunately that isn't until after the first of November, because he is on vacation I guess.
When she got out of the hospital she altered her and therefore our eating habits so not only hasn't weight gain been an issue she has lost quite a bit of weight.
Someone had also mentioned maybe she was dealing with the thought of her own mortality. Well, when she got out of the hospital she was terribly distraught that "if she was to die that it would make no difference in this world".
Also in the unfortunate category is the fact I tried to post back here last night and she saw me and I think she read a few of the responses. So now she is not only upset at me but also a few of the people's replies that were posted here. Which has motivated her to register here so she can post. While I have tried and failed to get her here for other reasons it seems her anger was more than enough motivation. While I would normally relish in someone sidetracking her anger off of me I worry about it coming here... to this thread in particular. I have informed her that she must massively regulate what she puts into any of the boards and especially the ATC boards. I will do my best at keeping her from doing anything that she may regret and/or that I would regret if at all possible. Hopefully by the time she gets home this evening she forgets about it or at least why she registered here this morning.
Added: Though I agree with her on those that caught her attention and upset her. I just disagree that her responding toward them would serve any purpose what so ever.
* This post was
edited 10/21/07 11:06am by BigBears2 *
Sorry but the answer is to just quit smoking! It is a disgusting filthy habit, I know I did it for 14 years and have stopped for 16 years!
When you smoke, you do not realize how much you and your clothes wreak of smoke. Your wife is having a hard enough time with her health and quitting but to smell it on you makes it worse.
Now is the best time to quit, you and dw can support each other and it can help put an end to the fighting.
"The great challenge of adulthood is holding on to your idealism after you lose your innocence."
– Bruce Springsteen
You know, I have read all of the replies on this thread and must say Bigbear that you have many times been given great advice... perhaps not what you want to hear but good solid advice nonetheless.
In my opinion, it is time to stop looking for reasons why your wife behaves the way she does and closely examine why you react the way you do. She may very well be having a MUCH harder time dealing with her health problems than you realize (Are you willing to listen?), quitting smoking for whatever the reason is very hard (I know, I am a former smoker = 11 years now), if it wasn't I am pretty sure this "wake up" call for her would have already motivated you to quit as well, and as a woman who is starting the new journey of life towards menopause I can also tell you that it ain't for the faint at heart. The combination of any or all of these factors equates to a much needed empathetic, sympathetic response on your part... not the "I am a smoker and that is the way it is, get over it" attitude that you seem to have. Marriage IS a partnership, and with all the years you have been together I know a part of you realizes this but you seem hard pressed to get in touch with it right now.
I guess I am VERY lucky, my DH was successful at quitting smoking about a year before I was... if I had a dollar for every time I stopped and started again... but I digress. When I was finally able to stop for good the first month wasn't the most loving part of our marriage but we made it and now we look back on it and laugh. He was supportive, loving and knew when to go outside or work in the garage a while and then come back in and hug me....it's called compromise. Within a year of giving up the smokes, I was diagnosed with Lupus so I also understand what it is like to be told your health is failing.... That brought about another very telling time within our marriage and yes we have dealt with the mortality issues as well. I am glad to say it actually brought us closer but it wasn't easy then and many times it still isn't exactly a cake walk now. Lupus never goes away and it is always changing, some days are good, some stink to be perfectly honest.
Counseling is an excellent idea with all the dynamics at play within your relationship....There is no shame is seeking professional help, it is a shame when we need it and don't get it. We know, we've been in counseling a few times ourselves. If you aren't willing to work on yourself and your marriage, then how can you expect your wife to overcome what she is facing right now?
The mirror reflects the truth, please have a good long look into your own eyes and then look into hers with the love you surely must have for her....after all these years.
Cat
(Jim just reads the forum once in a while)
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.... Live simply, love wholly, give generously, care deeply, speak kindly.
BigBears2 wrote: Side note: Yes I do plan on following her and stopping myself but don't think it a good idea at this time because if I become anything like she has we would definitely kill each other.
Can anyone tell me if life will ever return to normal without her starting to smoke again? Or are we doomed?
Just my opionion from an ex-tobacco-smoker and user, but it would help considerably if you would also stop using tobacco, too. The dynamics of being two ex-tobacco users will be positive. Think about it.
I have a sweet tender nature, however I enjoy sharing my thoughts and opinions.
This is escalating into just too much personal info relating to a couple's problems into a public forum. Those of you wishing to do so may provide any assistance/suggestions via pms. It is time to close this one.
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and then come back in and hug me....it's called compromise. Within a year of giving up the smokes, I was diagnosed with Lupus so I also understand what it is like to be told your health is failing.... That brought about another very telling time within our marriage and yes we have dealt with the mortality issues as well. I am glad to say it actually brought us closer but it wasn't easy then and many times it still isn't exactly a cake walk now. Lupus never goes away and it is always changing, some days are good, some stink to be perfectly honest.
