If you've already read these you might not want to waste your time doing so again however you might need to read them to know if you already have.
Subject: New Rules for 08
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white folks version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this******at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass! And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. Note: I had other ideas as to the meaning of tats located in THIS area but alas, the mod would likely delete the whole post if I were to put them in print
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go crazy and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you! want fries with that?
Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some sort of battle.... Live simply, love wholly, give generously, care deeply, speak kindly.
Finally a sport I could compete in and you want to shoot it down.
Seriously I cannot imagine watching it but there are lots of other sports I would not watch either.
I'm another guy tired of those Chinese tattoos. The first one was cool, but now everyone from little old ladies to young kids are sporting them. Get a life!
AMEN !!!! yes it is funny... but the reason it's funny is that it is 99.999% true... including this one..
New Rule: "Open toe sandals are not cool so stay in school".. at least through the 5th grade so you can count without using your fingers and toes.
Personal observation estimates that only 1 out of every 100,000 people know how to make change correctly without using a computerized cash register.
And if the trend continues, that figure will quadruple by year 2020.
John
John Harrelson
Carson City, Nevada
fulltime since 1977
93 Ford 350 4wd Diesel
95 Prowler 30.5 ft 5th wheel w/slide
TWO CENTS WORTH
The story goes that a man died and was approached by the Devil who told him that he could buy his soul back for a dollar. The man searched his pockets and could only come up with 98 cent. While begging the Devil to forget the two cent he was short, an Angel happened by and hearing the Devil laughing, asked the man, "Would you mind if I put in my two cents ?" The Devil got so mad that he exploded in a puff of smoke and the man's soul was saved. The moral: Sometimes putting in your two cents worth makes a difference.
JOHN "the cook" 1997
wow... right to the point!!!! Great post!!! roflmao You must be Detroit Tiger's fan......Surely no one in Ks. roots for Mizzou...Your turn Skip LOL rick
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