Geez the guilt. My dad's sister, age 86, passed away. I haven't seen her in 5 years since her husband's funeral and before that at least 20 yrs. as she lived out of state. My cousins and I have barely kept in touch. I last saw them at their dad's funeral 5 years ago and before that hadn't seen them in years. Well my aunt passed and was brought back home from the West coast to be buried with her husband. The wake was last night and I didn't go. I finally realized, I am just not comfortable at wakes. I hate open caskets which they always are. I prefer to remember her as she really looked, not some frozen looking body and the small talk passed around with people you haven't seen in years and no longer know much about. I'd rather a closed casket with a nice photo of the person on display, but that's not my choice obviously. This morning was her funeral at 9 am and I opted not to attend that either. She was a great lady but really not a part of my life for well over the past 25 years. I wrote my cousins a note expressing my condolences and remembering some of my favorite moments with her as a kid and wished them all well. I do feel bad though that my father is attending her funeral, and I didn't go with him to keep him company, but yet it was ok with him that none of my brothers went because they are "working". I own my own business but he doesn't really consider that my job for some reason, so I think he expected me to close down my store for the day to go to the funeral, burial and then gathering afterwards. Given I know I won't be seeing these cousins again for a very very long time, if ever, because they'll scatter back across the country to their respective homes after this, I just decided, you know, I'm not going to do this. It's not out of disrepect towards my aunt, I honored her while she was alive and when we were in touch but it's been so many years and though I pray for her peace I don't feel the strong sense of obligation to take part in the process and choose not to.
Just wondering who else out there feels as though it's ok not to feel obligated to have to attend wakes and funerals for those that you haven't had a connection with in many, many years, family or not. I did pay my respects with personal notes to the family, but I just didn't want to go through the process of being at a wake, funeral and burial. Always did go in the past for such things whether I had remained closed to someone or not but if the family went, I went, but for once I just said, I really don't need to do this.
However, call it "Irish guilt" I guess because though I stuck with my not doing it, my dad made sure to tell me last night that "everyone was asking for you"...and he wasn't just saying it as though they were kindly asking about me he wanted me to know he was annoyed with me, so I just told my dad well, they saw me at their dad's funeral five years ago and I haven't spoken a word to any of them since that time, not even Christmas cards or years prior to their dad passing. Now that the patriarch and matriarch of that family has passed, the glue is gone.
Sounds like your dad really would have appreciated some company. Wakes and funerals are for the benefit of the survivors, not the guest of honor. Although you're not close to your aunt and cousins, your dad was her close relative, too. Maybe you need to re-think your signature line.
I attend wakes and funerals not for the person who has passed away but for those who are mourning. I understand that you haven't seen or talked to your cousins for 5 years and most likely will not see them again - until the next funeral. I personally would have been there for your father, after all it was his sister that died. You don't say if they were close or not but it probably would have made him feel good to have you or someone there to comfort him. Just my opinion.
Welllll...since you asked, yes you should have gone to at least one of the services.
This was your Aunt, your dad would have appreciated your support, and her children would have appreciated seeing your friendly face, even if they are not especially close to you.
Sometimes life means sucking it up and doing something we really don't want to do. Just my humble opinion.
I had a bunch of aunts and uncles on my Mother's side, and an even bigger bunch of cousins. The aunts and uncles are all gone now, and I have no idea where most of the cousins are. I never bothered to keep track.
Now, as I enter my twilight years, I wish...
Ah, well, if wishes were fishes, we'd all be up to our waists in carp..
It's your family, and your choice, but if I had it to do over I might have kept better track of family.
Good luck.
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I think you should have gone because: (1) it was the right thing to do, (2) you wouldn't have let your dad down and (3) you wouldn't have had to make this post.
I really hate funerals too but realize they serve two functions: to pay your respect to the deceased and the survivors.
In the past, I've heard several people say, "I prefer to remember her as she really looked, not some frozen looking body and the small talk passed around with people you haven't seen in years and no longer know much about" ; or something similar, it's obvious they are making a weak attempt to justify their lack of presence (along with pointing out who else was not in attendance). It rubbed my fur the wrong way then just as it does now.
You could have avoided all this guilt, if you had just gone. If for no other reason than it was your Dad's sister. I feel bad for your Dad, it must of been hard and embarrasing that none of his children were there for him.
Camproo,
I know that "Irish Guilt" feeling like you would not believe, for me it is my mother.
Years ago I decided I would never again let someone guilt me into attending or participating in a funeral. I was a pallbearer at my grandmothers (mom's mom) funeral with all of my cousins, I swore after that day never ever again. Because of that day, I fear death and dead bodies, I will not go to a viewing (which is an archaic practice)or funeral with open casket. I prefer to, like you, remember the person who was, not before they are put in the ground.
Don't feel guilty, you did what was right for you and you shouldn't let anyone make you feel bad, even your dad.
For those who think Camproo should feel bad, I don't see mention that dad should have also asked the brothers to take the day off to attend, just because Camproo owns their own business does not mean the job is any less important, and one of the brother could have gone to.
Don't let these guy pile the guilt upon you like your dad already has. You did what you felt was right and you dad should respect that. If he wanted company then he should have come right out and said so, then maybe you would have gone for him.
As much as I hate funerals and wakes, I still attend. Respect, courtesy or whatever, there are somethings one just has to do in life, whether they like it or not.
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