A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Those are some interesting ones. Back in my Air Force days I heard a story similar the last one in Frankfort and I heard it from a pilot who swore he heard the radio transmission. He said a Japan Airlines pilot had landed at Honolulu International in a 747 and turned onto the wrong taxiway. The controller asked the pilot if he had been to the airport before. The pilot replied, "Only once before in 41." This allegedly happened in the early 70's so it could be a true story.
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When I was on my solo cross-country to get my license, one leg was at Ohio State University airport, where they do a lot of training. The tower worked me into the pattern of many planes flying that day, most with instructors and students practicing touch and goes. I heard the instructor on the plane ahead of me announce "2817 Bravo will be full stop this time." The tower acknowledged. About a minute later the instructor announced "We're coming in high and hot". The tower replied, "2817 B, you are cleared to crash and burn at the end of the runway."
Jim Shoe wrote: When I was on my solo cross-country to get my license, one leg was at Ohio State University airport, where they do a lot of training. The tower worked me into the pattern of many planes flying that day, most with instructors and students practicing touch and goes. I heard the instructor on the plane ahead of me announce "2817 Bravo will be full stop this time." The tower acknowledged. About a minute later the instructor announced "We're coming in high and hot". The tower replied, "2817 B, you are cleared to crash and burn at the end of the runway."
Try flying into the airport in Napa Ca where JAL has their basic pilot training school. The first class the Japanese Pilots attend is a basic English for pilots course and I can tell you they don't learn a lot there. The air traffic controllers don't speak a lot of Japanese so the conversations are pretty funny, and sometimes dangerous.
I was a student pilot doing touch and goes in a Cessna 150 at Long Beach in the early 70’s. Long Beach was where the wide body DC-10’s were assembled. As I was on short final to a runway that crossed the approach end of the runway the big guys use a DC-10 pulled up and this authoritative baritone voice came on the tower frequency saying he was ready for takeoff. Tower told him to hold short for arriving traffic and I about unscrewed my head looking for the traffic until it dawned on me that I was the arriving traffic. As I slid passed his nose for a pretty good landing I heard him key his mike but thankfully he allowed me to go on by as a brother with no smart comments. Great fun.
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Once, 1945 in another Boeing. Didn't stop though, just dropped something off."
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the
flight that need repair or correction.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on
the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot
reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
Qantas, of course, is the only major airline with a near-perfect safety
record.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken
by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks ! cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
In Anchorage, there are quite a few visting pilots that fly up during the summer. Anchorage's Merrill Field is the primary general aviation field. They have a runway that runs East/West and is identified as 6/24.
Elmendorf AFB is about 5 miles as the crow flies and has a runway (for the jet jockeys and air tankers) that (IIRC) is identified as 8/26.
One day I'm flying in to Merrill and report passing Muldoon Road. ATC comes back and says "Piper 2378M you are # 2 behind a Cessna on final. Report traffic in sight"...I'm frantically looking since I see no traffic and I'm about to call the tower when a call comes in "Merrill Tower, Cessna XXX, have runway 26 in sight."
"Cessna XXX say again that you have Runway 24 in sight"
"Merrill Tower, Cessna XXX, why do you keep saying Runway 24? I'm on 2 mile final for Runway 26"
"Cessna XXX, Immediately contact Elmendorf on XXX.XX you are operating in military airspace and your traffic is a KC 135 at 10:00" ....or something to that effect.
While I felt sorry for that pilot, I was promptly moved up to No. 1 and cleared to land.
CRL
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