We are ready to help financially if any of our kids should need it, however we are not able to give such gifts at this time.
We have 3 sons and 1 daughter. All our boys are fine and have good lives and good paying jobs "now". We (have) helped our younger son when he needed help a couple of years ago.
Our problem is, what to do about our daughter and our will. She married into a very wealthy family. There was a prenuptial agreement.. Much to our dismay, she divorced her husband a few years ago. She has a sizable estate, much more than we have or ever will have.
Lets just say, she is set for the rest of her life, whether she marries again or not...
We, on the other hand, are comfortable but far from wealthy. I now feel that what we do have should go to the boys. She will never want for anything for the rest of her life..
We are trying to figure out how not to step on any toes but not give money to someone who does not need it.
Let me say, that she is not an easy daughter to have. She has always been a difficult person to be around... She can get her feelings hurt and take it out on anyone around her. I would hate to see her take her anger out on her brothers because of us.
But this financial matter is no small thing. Our sons could use and put the money to much better use than their sister.
I have lost a lot of sleep over this..
Barb
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We have 3 sons and 1 daughter. All our boys are fine and have good lives and good paying jobs "now". We (have) helped our younger son when he needed help a couple of years ago.
Our problem is, what to do about our daughter and our will. (snip)She has a sizable estate, much more than we have or ever will have.
Lets just say, she is set for the rest of her life, whether she marries again or not...
We, on the other hand, are comfortable but far from wealthy. I now feel that what we do have should go to the boys. She will never want for anything for the rest of her life..
We are trying to figure out how not to step on any toes but not give money to someone who does not need it.
Barb
Barb,
Don't know what you should do. I have heard several times if you don't want to have problems between your children to divide your estate equally. It's your money and you can do what you want. I guess you need to decide if all 4 of your children should get an equal share of your estate because they are you all your children, or if you divide your estate by needs. Though, it does sound like your sons can take care of themselves. They just aren't wealthy like your daughter.
Something else you need to decide if you choose to give your daughter nothing or less than your sons. Do you tell your daughter ahead of time about your decision, or do you wait for the will to be read after you die? Doing so now will mean you have to deal with her feelings for years to come. Not telling her means right after your death she has to deal with the fact she didn't get an equal share (justified or not). And, then there's the big possibility of problems right away between her and her brothers due to her feelings of resentment. A lot of conflict for your children right after losing their parent.
Once again, I don't know what you should do. I plan on dividing my assets equally, unless I have a disabled child or a child who has a serious drug/alcohol problem which I would feel the money could really harm. Then, I'd set-up a trust for that child in those situations.
My youngest got a xmas check for $10,000 she had lunch with her mother a few days later and got mad at her mother and went home a ran the check into the shedder, than a month later came over and wanted it back. I told her you can't take money and do that. I wouldn't give her the money back. Her mother said good, don't give it to her.
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Barb, my girls will not split whatever we have left equally. The youngest is getting part of her inheritance now, the eldest has to wait. They both know this and have agreed. No surprises for them.
You say your daughter does not need the money and never will, so you think it would be better to leave everything to be split among the 3 sons. OK. But, your daughter will be hurt and it most likely will cause a rift between your daughter and your sons. Is this how you want to leave them - hurt and maybe not even speaking to one another for the rest of their lives?
I have seen siblings go after each other like rabid dogs when parents die, disowning one another over things like belt buckles and lawn ornaments.
If you think the boys need money more than their sister, give them some now as an additional and separate portion of their inheritance, without them having to take less from the Estate as a result. It can be done with a Will.
One woman I represented decided to leave everything to her never married daughter and nothing to her married son. Although the daughter was a very well educated professional, she did not earn nearly as much over her life as did her brother. Mom thought she would level the field by giving everything to the one with less and announced this at a family meeting. Her son was deeply hurt and never spoke to her again.
Do not hurt your children from the grave - you can never make it up to them.
Thanks for in input on my daughter. I understand what you are saying about hurt feelings, but this is all based on feelings and emotions. The reality is she has more than she can spend and doesn't spend it wisely. I won't go into what she drives and what she wears nor the house she lives in.
She does absolutely nothing with her time and lives very well. All three of her brothers must work hard, as do their wives.
She is not close to two of her brothers as they live in different states and she rarely sees them..
We will have to make a decision soon. Sometimes I just think I'll try to explain our decision and let her be angry with us now if she doesn't understand.
I sometimes wonder how one child can be so different from the other three.
Thanks for sharing your dilemma. I recommend you NOT tell any of your children what is in your will. Don't even bring it up. If asked just say that you have one but it is confidential. Let the 'fur' fly after you are both gone. Try to appoint an executor(s) other than your children. Perhaps you or your husband have a younger sibiling who would likely survive you & be willing to do it. Lastly leave something extra to the executor if they are not one of your children.
I think it's pretty common. What Dw and I do, rather than cash is an all expense paid very nice vacation for all of us, every now and then. Everyone seems to enjoy that.
Got kind of a kick out of posts about leaving the black sheep kid more than the rest. Happened in our family. MIL practically gave the house to the youngest. Of course in 5 years house is gone due to his irresponsible behavior. Not worth getting all worked up about, but when I think of how hard we worked to get a house, and then to get one for pretty close to free and just throw it away, well.
IMHO if someone is still a maroon by thirty five they will never change. If you gave them 20 million they would blow through it in a short time. That is something we have worked very hard with our kids on. My worst fear is that they are still making stupid choices at 40 years old. JMHO
Our children are always our children, regardless of age. I say yes. If you have the funds to share with them, then do it. Remember this, you may not have them tomorrow. We raised two boys. They became fine Christian young men. Each with a great marriage and two kids each. Everything was right with our world. Then the unthinkable happened. Our youngest, Kevin, was gone in an instant. A massive heart attack at age 33 took him away from us. Enjoy your kids while you can, and share everything you have with them......................
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