RV.Net Open Roads Forum: How to Handle Situation With Old Friend?

RV Blog

  |  

RV Sales

  |  

Campgrounds

  |  

RV Parks

  |  

RV Club

  |  

RV Buyers Guide

  |  

Roadside Assistance

  |  

Extended Service Plan

  |  

RV Travel Assistance

  |  

RV Credit Card

  |  

RV Loans

Open Roads Forum Already a member? Login here.   If not, Register Today!  |  Help

Newest  |  Active  |  Popular  |  RVing FAQ Forum Rules  |  Forum Posting Help and Support  |  Contact  

Search:   Advanced Search

Search only in Around the Campfire

Open Roads Forum  >  Around the Campfire  >  General Topics

 > How to Handle Situation With Old Friend?

Reply to Topic  |  Subscribe  |  Print Topic  |  Post New Topic  | 
Page of 2  
Next
Sponsored By:
mr. ed

Amarillo, Texas

Senior Member

Joined: 02/06/2002

View Profile



Posted: 03/15/22 07:46am Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

I have an 82 yr old friend, Armand, living in Tucson, who is deteriorating both mentally and physically, the mental issues being most prominent. His son lives nearby but virtually ignores him. Fortunately, a mutual friend, Mark, looks after him frequently. Unfortunately, Armand is very stubborn and even abusive towards Mark, which is giving him quite a bit of grief and stress.

Armand is quite incontinent and always soils himself. He refuses to wear any sort of absorbent pad or adult diaper. Understandably, Mark is getting tired of cleaning him up and washing his clothes, not to mention the overpowering urine odor that pervades the small home. I understand a home nursing service does visit him at intervals, but they can only do so much, and appear to be somewhat incompetent.

So, here’s the problem. Armand really needs to be in some sort of adult care facility . Of course, he would refuse and would need to be taken kicking tandem screaming to said facility.

So, my question is: since he would need to be forcefully removed by some authority how would this be accomplished? Would his only relative, his deadbeat son, need to be involved?
It’s likely he would agree to have this done and finally be rid of him. Failing that would Mark, who has been looking after him, have any authority to have Armand removed to the proper facility? I’ve never faced this issue before, and would appreciate any insight you may have.


Mr. Ed (fulltiming since 1987)
Life is fragile. Handle with prayer.

2007 Hitchhiker II LS Model 29.5 LKTG (sold)
2007 Dodge Ram 3500/6.7 CTD/QC/4X4/SB/SRW/6-speed man/Big Horn edition (sold)


thomasmnile

Lake Mary, FL

Senior Member

Joined: 05/14/2009

View Profile



Good Sam RV Club Member

Offline
Posted: 03/15/22 08:27am Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

With or without family involvement, it sounds as if your friend needs a court appointed guardian ad litem to represent them and act on their behalf in all matters....financial, medical, & legal. Based on your telling of the situation, your friend sounds like he may not be competent to execute powers of attorney for financial matters or healthcare surrogacy.

Guardianship is not a DIY proposition. Requires legal representation and is a court proceeding. Laws may vary by state.

mr. ed

Amarillo, Texas

Senior Member

Joined: 02/06/2002

View Profile



Posted: 03/15/22 11:39am Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

thomasmnile wrote:

With or without family involvement, it sounds as if your friend needs a court appointed guardian ad litem to represent them and act on their behalf in all matters....financial, medical, & legal. Based on your telling of the situation, your friend sounds like he may not be competent to execute powers of attorney for financial matters or healthcare surrogacy.

Guardianship is not a DIY proposition. Requires legal representation and is a court proceeding. Laws may vary by state.


Yes, you’re right. Thanks fo the reply BTW. I just did some investigation and learned that someone with power off attorney would need to be involved. I don’t know if his son has that power, but he’s difficult to deal with. I seriously think his son is himself a candidate for some sort of care facility. [emoticon]

Homeless by Choice

North America

Senior Member

Joined: 09/09/2012

View Profile



Good Sam RV Club Member

Offline
Posted: 03/15/22 01:34pm Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

Mister Ed,

Call Tucson's social service department and explain the situation. Ask them what can and should be done. They will help you get correct answers to your questions.

Sorry about your friend's condition but chances are that several of us will personally experienced something similar.

Good luck and God be with both of you,
LeRoy


Homeless by Choice
FULL TIMER since 2012
2015 Chevy 3500, Duramax, 4X4, DRW, Crew cab, Long bed
2013 Northern Lite 8'11"Q Sportsman truck camper
2015 Polaris RZR Side by Side

wa8yxm

Davison Michigan (East of Flint)

Senior Member

Joined: 07/04/2006

View Profile


Offline
Posted: 03/15/22 03:49pm Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

Though I know that it is natural to want to keep the elderly "in home" as long as you can I also know.. the hard way.. that sometimes that is not possible... Especially in today's world where everybody has to work to keep hearth and home together.. Some elderly need 24 hour "Grand-sitting" Happened to my Grandmother for one reason. My mother for another and my mother-in-law for a 3rd.

However there are originations that can help you to keep them home. At this time I can't give you their names but most Pastors of Most churches will have access to that information.. So will the local government dept of health.

Wish I could do more.

I will say this.. We read horror stories about Senior facilities all the time.. NOT ALL are like that .. The good ones do not make the news.

kind of like many other Companies.. I once ask one of my motor carrier officers about the Company my brother worked for and all he could say was "nice trucks"
He went on to say there were some companies where he knew the names of all their drivers. their spouses, their kids, their dogs... (The implication was that my brother worked for a good company.. Cause my MCO (Diesel Smokey) had very little to do with them where as the other companies he often tagged trucks out of service or other violations) Same with senior facilities. The bad ones all make the news.


Home was where I park it. but alas the.
2005 Damon Intruder 377 Alas declared a total loss
after a semi "nicked" it. Still have the radios
Kenwood TS-2000, ICOM ID-5100, ID-51A+2, ID-880 REF030C most times


mr. ed

Amarillo, Texas

Senior Member

Joined: 02/06/2002

View Profile



Posted: 03/16/22 03:42pm Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

Well, I've spoken to Mark, using the suggestions you folks provided in this thread. The ball's in his court now. There's no way I can assist, being hundreds of miles away in the TX panhandle. We'll see what happens. Any noteworthy developments I'll post on his thread. Thanks again to all respondents.
Mr. Ed

Homeless by Choice

North America

Senior Member

Joined: 09/09/2012

View Profile



Good Sam RV Club Member

Offline
Posted: 03/16/22 05:14pm Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

Mr. Ed,

You are a great support friend.

LeRoy

philh

Belleville MI

Senior Member

Joined: 05/11/2015

View Profile


Offline
Posted: 03/16/22 05:38pm Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

It's tough even with family members. I had power of attorney and patient advocate for my mom, and literally lost control due to outside interference from another relative and a friend of mom who did not know the whole story.
.
Fast forward to mother in law, she was WONDERFUL, but we learned more taking care of her.
.
Then my father in law, who was an exec for a multi national corp. All I have to say, is everything we learned before that came to play. Luckily, the one person he would not argue with, my wife, and as he got really bad, he thought I was his best employee. Using that, we filed for guardianship. Walked into court with THREE attorneys. Ours, his lifetime attorney, and the court appointed attorney. Everybody was on the same page, and the judge was wonderful! Judge said to him, do you realize if I grant this petition, your daughter has complete control over your life. He nodded yes and said she's been telling what to do most of her life [emoticon]

Even in a facility, a patient who has spent his entire life snapping his fingers and getting things done can be a challenge. Our vacation campground was about 3 hours away, and for over a year, we didn't venture far from him. The one weekend we did, he chose that weekend to come unglued. Police officer wasn't amused when he took a swing at him. 2am, we got call from the facility. Wife was able to get him under control enough for EMS to drug him up. She used ever tool in her mental tool box to get him under control. Another time we were on our way to vacation home, and he was having another meltdown. I hadn't got on the freeway yet, literally had pulled onto the ramp, and pulled back off. As we stood outside the memory care unit listening to his rage, she said something to me, and he instantly stopped. Walked through the doors, and he was like hi baby. I took him for a walk where he told be everything that was wrong with the facility, things like the ants tires are leaking. I pretended to write it all down and tell him it would be fixed by Friday. It satisfied him, while my wife dealt with the staff. It took awhile, but we finally figured out, his meltdowns occurred 2 days after his oldest son visited him.

Bottom line, legal guardianship is absolutely critical. For a non family member, it can involve increased reporting to court. There was a case in MI, where guardianship was handed over to a lawyer who burned through their charge's money very quickly. They also blocked family from visiting their dad. I'd like to say family has their best interest at heart, but the reality is, families are a problem. Court reviewed father in laws financial situation after six months, and then put the next review date out six months. We're financially stable, and my wife took a hard line approach on his assets, actually growing his net worth by cutting off his oldest son, scammers, and others that thought he owed something. It's not for the feint of heart, but all too often it's a necessary step

mr. ed

Amarillo, Texas

Senior Member

Joined: 02/06/2002

View Profile



Posted: 03/17/22 07:24am Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

In addition (I’m sorry to say it), it would probably be a blessing for Armand to just pass away since his life is so miserable and he’s become a difficult burden for those trying to to help him. I hate to feel that way, but it’s probably for the best.

Matt_Colie

Southeast Michigan

Senior Member

Joined: 10/09/2011

View Profile


Offline
Posted: 03/17/22 09:17am Link  |  Quote  |  Print  |  Notify Moderator

Me. Ed,

I really feel for you. It can be hard. I am not going to try to relate the relative personal experiences, but you have no easy choice. At this point, I think that there are only two things you can do and they are both pray.

First, pray for dear Mark. He is a saint for what he has taken on.
Second, and this may sound crass, but pray that Armand's troubles end soon. He has no other way out at this time.

I will not advise that you pray for the son. He has set his course that he will live to regret.

Be at peace Ed, you have done what you can. Hug Mark for us sometime.

Matt


Matt & Mary Colie
A sailor, his bride and their black dog (one is waiting for us at the bridge) going to see some dry places that have Geocaches in a coach made the year we married.


Reply to Topic  |  Subscribe  |  Print Topic  |  Post New Topic  | 
Page of 2  
Next

Open Roads Forum  >  Around the Campfire  >  General Topics

 > How to Handle Situation With Old Friend?
Search:   Advanced Search

Search only in Around the Campfire


New posts No new posts
Closed, new posts Closed, no new posts
Moved, new posts Moved, no new posts

Adjust text size:




© 2022 CWI, Inc. © 2022 Good Sam Enterprises, LLC. All Rights Reserved.